So after years of closely observing women on the road and their driving habits, I got into a technical discussion with my friends. Their inferences were remarkably profound and staggering. Take this illustration for instance.
Observe the sample female( ranging from over sized aunties who resemble tough school teachers to scared puny little ones who are afraid of lizards and roaches) on the road travelling at lightning speed of 21 Kms/hr.
Our sample female drives bang at the center of the road on a Luna like vehicle or something equally obnoxious that has less than 20 cc capability. The other 500-2500 cc (okay! my thesis needn't be factually accurate) vehicles that we men drive are competing behind to overtake this vehicle. But hell no! the women has padded herself up (er..) with knee pads gloves, terrorist mask outfits. Research confirms that she wants to prevent, apart from damage to nail polish and face make-up, any injury (the likes of which Ayrton Senna incurred) in case she falls down while travelling at this blinding speed.
Arjun ( name changed to provide secrecy) has recently bought a new Ford Ikon and he wants to let rip the vehicle in the amazingly congested Beach Road. But this damn chick on the Luna like space vehicle is blocking the narrow road. She is travelling at 20 kms and the Ford falling behind it hasn't even got an erection at this speed!
The female sticks to center of the road and uses all her concentration powers to mask off any honking that comes from behind. The auto drivers are also suprisingly frustrated, they even try and jump over her head much like KIT from Knight Rider. But no dice! Arjun's efforts to move to 90 kms/hr will have to wait until this space alien with masks gets off the road.
Arjun's choiciest expletives to the female just bounces on her and falls down. She is focusing on controlling her space ship as it is travelling at such at breakneck speed and in her perception meteorites are raining on her in the horizontal plane. In her world 2 generations of Skywalkers are being put to shame.
The next interesting observation is that the moment some obstacle, which could be anywhere between 100-300 kms away catches our sample female's eye, her speed drops below 10 kms/hour. Now thats a significant change in the speed of her spaceship causing the landing wheels to unwrap.
The female's legs come off the vehicle and is now freely suspended in air much like the wheels of the planes that come out before landing. Now as long as she is travelling between 0-9.99 km/hr the legs remain suspended outside the vehicle. The purpose of such a move is to keep the vehicle's motion balanced and regulate wind -turbulence to keep the vehicle in forward motion (they dont trust in vehicle motors..these females).
Once the roads in the front of the vehicle is clear (which means there is nobody in sight for the next 200 kms) the vehicle slowly increases speed to 20.1 kms/hr the legs roll back into the vehicle again the way the wheels retract into the plane after take-off.
When and how these females gain the imagination that they can master a four wheeler is unfathomable. Still recall fondly an incident when two girls on a car ramed through a pedestrian ( who was on a pavement - one of very few left intact by chennai corporation) and proceeded to impale him on to a electric sub station - apparently they mistook the accelerator for the brake. In another instance fortune smiled on a guy on a mobike when the lady in a maruti 800 was scared that he came too close ( in front - I thought you are supposed to drive that way) and took her hands off the wheel and closed her eyes - as though the guy was some baddy from a tamil movie and she could just wish him away....
This amazing observation now forms the next chapter of my thesis. I never understood how females get a licence to drive. Maybe there is someone like me in the RTO office who gifts licence to women for no apparent reason, when evidence in hand begs for the contrary. In my opinion( aggressively agreed upon by my friends) 90% of the females on the road dont deserve a licence.
If by any misfortunate circumstance you are involved in an accident with them - god save you. Every RSR ( road side romeo) will take her side ( include the cop)
The objective of this thesis is - if you see a girl on the road make yourself scarce. Just flee man, forget your appointment - take another route...
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Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeletethanks
ReplyDeleteI love this particular blog! It hits right on the nail. Woman are dangerous drivers, even more in America. They try to wear makeup while driving on the expressway at 70 miles an hour which is like 120 km per hour. Imagine that. Just today, while I was going to work on the expressway going like 75 miles an hour, this woman ahead of me was putting makeup and she was weaving in and out of her lane because she would not pay attention to the road and would slam on the brakes suddenly if the traffic ahead slows down. I almost rear ended her. Coming back from work, there was this chinese woman who decided to almost suddenly stop on the middle of the highway because she wanted this big truck to go by her so she could move into another lane. This almost caused a big pile up. I think woman are just not good drivers because of the differences in mental acumen between men and women when it comes to certain things.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to laugh so loud reading this blog but I couldn't because my son is sleeping in the other room and Lacey wouldn't appreciate it.
Th fairer sex are better at things which men are not at times, like back seat driving! if you know what i mean.
ReplyDeletelightning speed of 21 Kms/hr haha..
ReplyDeleteand arjun is you?
have been in a situation when a RSR took her side.. i had to pay 700 bucks for the scratch in her dream vehicle "sunny"